My health story

Over the past 7 years I have been on an intensive journey towards regaining my own health and well-being. I was on a mission to find self care strategies that worked for me. To find the tools to make me feel happy again, and to discover what brought joy to my soul.

A few years back I was not the same person as I am today. I had lost sight of everything that brought meaning to my life. I became withdrawn, I had developed anxiety about leaving the house and was confined to the four walls of my home for 4 whole months. I was experiencing Major Clinical Depression.

There was a whole host of health setbacks and events that led into this. Rewinding back to 2010, my body was an absolute wreck. – I had spent two days on the couch, crippled from the pain that had engulfed my body, I knew  that something was terribly wrong. I was experiencing swollen joints, chronic fatigue, brain fog, mood swings, mouth ulcers and low mood. On top of that some weird rashes had been appearing on my skin. So I got it checked out – tests were run, and as I sat in the doctors office the diagnosis came in, it was Lupus.

The doctor told me that it is a disease that has no cure and that I would have to take medications to deal with the symptoms for the rest of my life.  He handed over the medication fact sheets that came along with a  long list of side effects, but at that point,  I wanted so desperately to feel better, I took the drugs and I would worry about the side effects after.

Temporarily, I felt better, but in the years to follow I would find out how serious Lupus could actually get. It was a difficult adjustment because on the outside after the rashes cleared I didn’t even really look that sick. Initially I didn’t see the side effects impacting my mental health, it was subtle. Mood swings and feelings of overwhelm became the norm. And the self-critical thoughts became louder and louder. But I just put it down to being a sensitive creative type. I became really good at putting on a social mask and pretending everything was just “FINE”.

At the end of 2014 I experienced another major flare up, I had been given a antibiotic that I had such a severe reaction to It looked like someone had taken a cigarette lighter and burnt into to my skin, leaving welts all over my body. My mental health continued to suffer…

I was taken to a GP and put on an anti depressant, within one day I experienced extreme side effects, it seems that this particular medication had added fuel to the fire. The next day I made an emergency appointment with my specialist in Melbourne. I remember to this day sitting in the car with my mother driving me to the appointment – driving over the bolte bridge in Melbourne imagining myself opening the car door and jumping off the bridge. I verbalized this to my mother in the moment  and she locked the doors immediately.

As soon as I presented myself into the doctors office my Rheumatologist knew that something was severely wrong. I was pacing up and down in the room I couldn’t keep still and the extreme feeling of wanting to be out of my body was increasing. He suspected cerebral lupus and as he said those words my mum let out a loud howl and stated crying distraught to think that the Lupus was now affecting her daughters brain. He wrote an emergency referral notice to the Alfred hospital to be assessed immediately, on his note he wrote suicide risk.

In that hospital admission what we discovered was two things. One) the reason why my mental health was suffering was because of a severe reaction to the anti-depressant medication and Two)  the lupus was now affecting my kidneys.

I was placed on a treatment protocol, that of course included more and more medications … Over the next two years I had relapse after relapse, my job description had been switched from arts facilitator to “full time patient” because my physical and mental condition was so depleted it rendered me unfit for any type of work. In the end they brought out the big guns. IV chemotherapy. I wasn’t even aware that auto-immune conditions could be treated with chemo. But that’s the treatment I ended up getting.  And as I started detoxing from the high dose medications I had been placed on and the chemo, that’s where I ended up living in the void of major clinical depression.

Sometimes I wouldn’t shower for a week on end.  The good days were when I actually got out of bed, and moved myself to the couch, I’d lost my purpose, I’d lost my drive, I’d lost my vibrancy. I would question why I couldn’t get it together. I was embarrassed with my lack of motivation, I would ask myself where has that creative girl gone? that artist that had her own business? The young woman that was engaged in the community? That had a bubbly personality… That was all gone I didn’t know if I was ever going to get back to who I was.

I was referred to a clinical psychologist that I would see every week, my only excursion out of the house at this time and  from there things started to slowly get better, I started an exercise rehabilitation program and around the same time it was suggested that I enroll in a 8 week mindfulness based stress reduction program.

Once introduced to mindfulness I found I could choose my own thoughts and that I could learn how to bring myself back to a point of awareness and stillness, this technique led me into a daily practice of self inquiry, and I started journaling every day.

For any artist reading along, I am sure you are aware of Julia Cameron’s book: The Artists Way. For those that don’t know her work she has a process called the morning pages. Every morning when you first wake up you do 3 pages of writing. The writing is a stream of conscious thought, It doesn’t have to be profound, it could be your shopping list or a reminder to call auntie Judy. It’s a way of verbal release and and way to free your mind. Its like a mental brain dump onto the page.

Within those pages I realized that my coping mechanisms for dealing with stress were not up to scratch. I realized in those pages a behavior that I had learnt as a stress reduction technique in my childhood – alcohol – was a go to solution for numbing myself and squashing the emotions that I was feeling. It became my unhealthy way of avoiding uncomfortable feelings. Through the morning pages I was able was able to change my toxic relationship with alcohol.

After the exercise therapy program I had built up enough strength to enter into a mainstream program. I joined a local mind and body studio and it has been my savior. Starting off with the gentle programs like qi gong and meditation then as my stamina increased moving onto yoga and body balance. I was able to slowly start challenging my self, and regaining my strength, both physically and emotionally.

I found that by gathering a strong mental and emotional support network was vital in my quest for wellness. Having women around me that could listen and  understand me was all really important part of nurturing my souls needs. For me right now management of depression is a natural approach. Because of all the severe side effects from drugs that I have experienced in the past, I prefer to take a holistic approach to managing my moods, which includes: regular appointments with a therapist, journaling, mindfulness, movement, taking time to do things I enjoy – like my art practice,  being aware of and watching my emotional triggers, taking natural supplements, eating nourishing foods, and using certain essential oils that I have found really effective.

With all of the health set backs that I have endured, it has really shifted my perspective on life. I am more conscious of my energy levels and place huge value on keeping and staying well.  I appreciate and am so grateful to the state of wellness I now live with today.  I am more compassionate and understanding of others and their individual challenges, and it has allowed me to bring a new depth to the creative work that I produce.

Congratulations if you’ve read this far!